Friday, July 23, 2010


Nostalgia is a funny thing, you dream of the future, but when you get there you look back at the bast and wish you were still there. Of course things change, and I always wanted them to, for the better...but somethings I just wish would go on forever. I guess that is the point, very few things are a constant in your life, and you have to get used to that, and try and move past that so you enjoy the present and the future.
Yesterday and today I went through my email acounts and deleted all the crap and spam, of which there was a lot, because I never delete my mail. After going through 12,000 messages on one, and 7,000 on the other...I think I might start. However, there was a secondary reason for this, other than needing to, and a third reason also. I was bored, and I quite fancied a trip down memory lane. I found email notifications from when I was a regular on The Barbs (now sadly defunct local band) forum, and also emails from my dear blogging followers, Ginger Doll and Livewire (i'd link them, but since they are pretty much the only people likely to read this, not much point in that!) which really got the nostalgia going.
I always miss regular blogging, but life seems to cloud my mind, and I can't quite make that leap back in. I just rot away on facebook, which is fine for keeping track of stuff and finding amusing things that other people have posted, but it really can suck your life away. I have a couple of weeks off work for my birthday, so I have time to gear my mind up to a blogging return, and...well there is much to tell, but I don't think I can quite do it right now (although maybe I will...).
Basically, I have been in my new job for over a year now, after being made redundant from working in a record/entertainment store, which suited me. I basically enjoy most of the work, it's a department/DIY sort of store, and I work in the Lighting and Gallery (canvases/frames etc) sections, as Supervisor...although it's basically just me. I have freedom to pretty much do what I like, since no-one else has really got all that involved, and management have come and gone, and i'm on my own...everyone basically sees it as mine, and comes to me for anything to do with it, and leaves and changes to me, usually. I like this, although it's a bit lonely working on my own. I also miss being around, and having Music has been a constant in my life since I was in my early teens, and it never fails to cheer me up, get me going...without that, I suffer somewhat, have nothing to draw strength from. It doesn't help that it is not a great enviroment to work in, with a lot of gossip and backstabbing, as well as arrogant managers who care little for staff morale, and a badly run, money grabbing company...
What also doesn't help is the lack of things happening in my life, nothing much to look forward to. Of course I have my band, The Z Stacks(more on them later) but I do very little else other than work, and sit at home and rot, on facebook, MSN, occasionally doing something creative like writing poetry and lyrics (my word skills have a use at last!). everyone else got lives, I just kept going, unable to quite make a breakthrough with life.
Also, home life isn't great, as ever. My mum and I argue all the time, and at the moment, it looks like one of our cats is on it's way out, which will affect me (just a tiny, tiny, massive bit of understatement). It's something I need to get out of, as with my job. Basically, years of unhappiness has taken it's toll, and i'm teetering on the edge of sanity. My depression has got so bad that pretty much every day at work feels like 1000 years, my body so leaden, that sometimes I just crouch down in a cord=ner, feeling like I should cry, but just...finding some way of carrying on..but I have been so close to walking out for so long...the cracks are staring to show, I have had times at work where I have made clear my feelings, and at the pub the other day, I was standing there, wishing to talk to 2 girls I have known for some time, and certainly one of whom I talk to all the time over the internet, and...I basically was unable to was like I was trapped, I just couldn't cope with the situation. It was not nice, and I was starting to panic a bit, and only just managed to stop myself from just walking out...which may have been wiser, really. But if I can't go out anymore (oh, by the way I have no ID, and after going there for 6 years, this particular pub/club now ID's me, so I can't even get in, apart from the odd lucky occasion (lucky...) and I cannot afford to get ID for several months, and even then it won't be easy) then my options are further limited, not that I was ever big on going out anyway. Things just never seem to go my way. Things that would improve my life...are always just out of reach, no matter how hard I try, and now...i'm almost beyond trying...i'm pretty stuck in a situation that I can't cope with anymore, and I have coped for so long...pretty much at breaking point.
I have, however, at least made good new friends this year, and although they do bring occasion unhappiness and's worth it, even if only to know I can still make friends, despite it all. So thats really why I haven't been here, even though being here more would probably help...and I hope if I can be here more, it will help.

That all out of the way...onto my band. The Z Stacks . We formed early last year, after knowing each other for years and talking about it often. The trouble was alway the non-musicality of me and Rob (who needs to get his ass back to blogging) and the reluctantcy to show his talent off of another. Once we decided to do it, I ended up on bass, it being the easiest, and we set off on a bold musical adventure. We have written quite a few songs, varied like we are, and have, if anything, speeded up creatively, largely driven by me writing, and coming up with new ideas now i've gotten used to writing lyrics. I don't write everything, but I at least put ideas out there. We only had 2 guitars, bass and vocals until a couple of months ago (apart from a period with a mate of ours that didn't work out) when we finally got a drummer. We had played a gig at someones leaving do at a function room, and also at Rob's sisters' 18th birthday, but not a proper, public gig as a full band with drums. That gig is happening soon, on the 1st of august.
Quite excited about that, and as much so about writing and recording more songs. We have some very rough demos on the facebook page for your enjoyment, they are but a sample of our musical diversity and awesomeness, more of which will be posted soon. Hopefully our gig will be included, and I would very much like to share this with anyone that wants it (GD and Livewire, looking at you, and S, if he sees this).
I will be back, posting a story, and some poetry and song lyrics soon, but for now, visit the facebook page(no signup required I believe) and listen to our songs, enjoy The Replacements-
Bastards Of Young I linked up top, and take care of yourselves.



Blogger Ginger Doll said...

Mr Dan, it's good to hear your virtual voice again. Good to know you're working again, not so good to hear about the problems you've been having.

Will be back soon, can't listen to the band at the mo as no sound, but will do asap.

1st August - big day! Hope all goes well.

8:48 am  
Blogger Motormouth said...

Hello :) and good to hear yours, ah how I miss the old days where this was all so regular. I hope you enjoy it when you find time to listen to it :)
I emailed you at your breakingtheangel address, wasn't sure if you still used it, wanted to say a more private and personal hello.
Thank you again for reading, means a lot, and hope for more of this soon.
oh, and thank you, re:gig, we should be recording it, and if we do, I would very much like to send it to you :)
take care


5:48 pm  
Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

Hey stranger! Ditto everything GD said. And I have to ask how much an ID costs there?! As far as going into shut down mode, yes, it can happen but you really need to work on stopping it before it gets to that point. I feel I can say that because I have similar struggles. Takes work, though. I think the band will help you feel better on the surface, but when you aren't involved in that, it will all come back. Glad to see you back here. Missed you =)

6:48 pm  
Blogger Motormouth said...

AHA! and good to hear from you too Livewire. Well, I think a driving licence is something like £65, so, maybe $100. Just bought a new amp for band though, as only had a practice one, so cleared out atm, and thats not so urgent really. Yeah, I mean the band gives me something to look forward to, practice every week, I can be creative, and feel like i'm cool lol. But yeah, it'll take much more than that, like a change of circumstance. Thank you, missed you guys, I shall try and stick around longer this time. Oh, btw LW, I emailed you on your old email account, don't know if you still use that (crazydaisylu I think)was thinking it would be nice to say a more personal hello :)

7:37 pm  
Blogger Ginger Doll said...

Sorry Dan, I just realised you mailed me, I've been at hut / under enforced bed rest for a few days and just caught up. Have e-mailed you back, and given you my most recent e-mail add.

Take care, Jane xx

6:17 am  
Blogger Laura said...

hey! i'm up in alaska for the summer (and possibly longer) but once i'm back in poulsbo i would love to make some custom artwork for you! no harm in some extra planning though, if you have ideas right now send them my way and i'll start the thinking/imagining/designing process! nice to hear from you! hope life is grand!


12:16 pm  
Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

I vote for another post. ;)

7:47 pm  
Blogger Ginger Doll said...

Where u buggered off to now boy?!

12:59 pm  
Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

Um... yeah, I'm with GD on that one!

10:16 pm  
Blogger Motormouth said...

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack :D

5:02 pm  

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