Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Holy Bible

...you know for a long time i've hated how life has been going for me, I am fully aware I have depression, and that gets me down, but looking past that, even if I was fine, I would still hate it. The fact that I have to cope with depression on top just makes it that much worse. I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough, frequently by the same people that tell me I am, while also being treated like a slave worker in my job, by managers that seem to have forgotten that their actions affect people, and that money and success shouldn't come with a human cost. With my 'friends' as fast as I make an effort, and help them out, offer support, and am generally as nice as it's possible for me to be...they stop making the effort and start complaining about other people. People that they seem to place value in, who aren't treating them right. Hello, i'm over here remember, the guy who WOULD treat you right...never mind. Of course all of this effort and then lack of respect, time, and actual caring back takes it's toll, the lies and all those times i'm ignored get to me, and as fast as I explain how I feel when I feel bad...I make everything worse, and despite the fact I would do anything for these people, they all too readily forget that, and see it as an excuse not to bother. Of course part of this all is that I am pretty much not fit for purpose when it comes to human interaction, social interaction...I basically can't do it. I cannot cope with the sitations that it ALWAYS ends in, all the feelings associated with all that I try and do...I can't cope with. I just feel like I can't do this...i'm stuck in a loop, and as much as I have escapes...It isn't enough. Sure, I could go to the doctor and get pills, but they won't work, i'm too strong willed, for them to work they would be so strong, they would zombify me, and nullify what little outgoing part of me is left. I could go to a counsellor...but again, I am not the sort of person that works for. I know what is happening, i'm not lost in terms of details...I just have this thing in my head that stops me functioning, and very little around me helps with that. I could potentially be ok, in the right enviroment, with the right people, but that will never happen. I am always trying to find the right people, but the problem is always that i'm still me. I can potentially be the best friend you will ever have, i'd lay down my life for you. I can, once I get to know you, be a verry witty, funny, outgoing person, with good ideas, and who can share stuff with you, I have wide tastes...I can do many things, potentially, I WANT TO. But no-one sees through this, to that. No one believes what I know to be true. I have always placed an emphasis on truth and honest. I believe in it, more than anything, and to a fault. It has to be right, I have to be right, I have to be understood...yet all this, that I value so much...is not recognised. That is perhaps the most galling thing of all. The thing I put the most effort into, at the expense of many good things, much happiness. The thing I spend so many hours in darkness to protect, even though I know I shouldn't, that it needn't matter so much...Is essentially meaningless to everyone else. Sure, a few people recognise it, and I am reliable Dan...but am I the one they want to see often, or am I the last call, when everyone else has let them down. If I was the last man on earth, people would want me...i'm not hated. But unless that happened, I just feel like I mean nothing. Overdramatic? maybe a bit. But try living it. If you read this far, and lets face it, only a couple of people ever even look at this place...I care about you. You mean something to me. Isn't it ironic that I feel more alone surrounded by people I know than I do when talking to someone hundreds, even thousands of miles away. Is it cathartic writing this? not really. Is there an answer? not really. I respect religion for the simple reason that I know how it is to feel lost and alone, and I wish I had somthing to hold onto like that. Alas, i'm too logical...being right isn't always fun...in fact, almost never, I find...
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