Is this the life?

 Walking down an abandoned street I imagined the zombie apocalypse that I would have preferred: bloodthirsty, brainhungry, mindless corpses driven only by the base instinct to feed. Down every street another scene of desolation where the desperate had made their last, doomed stand against the inevitable. Cries for help go unanswered in the distance. It's not a romantic idea really. Too much of the above could apply to our current world. The lack of humanity and resources gathered greedily by the few at the expense of the many could describe reality or the zombie apocalypse. But there is some part of me that still wishes to escape from the strangling hold of social media, the constant demands of modern life. The draining, endless bullshit that you see when you aren't afraid to really look and use empathy rather than tribalism to imagine a better world. How much simpler would it be to have a common, irrefutable enemy that cannot be ignored or defended. A zombie will pursue you and kill you directly, rather than death from a thousand cuts, from corruption, from media manipulation. 

    I'm not suggesting all the death and destruction, the ending of life as we know it is the way forward. What I am suggesting is that life as we know it is not working for most people and the worst thing is that a lot of people don't want to accept that or actively work for it. 

    So here I am on an empty street, thinking that instead of worrying about what the government are going to do next I just want to have simple problems that I can work on. Kill the zombies, find the food, help people. Do I really want that? Of course not. What makes me feel this way is how much I don't want THIS. I mean I could go and live in the woods somewhere, but I'd probably need a permit and be liable for shack tax or something. Or the wood would be redeveloped into 'affordable' housing around me.

    Don't get me wrong, I indulge in modern life. I consume and contribute to the system that perpetuates my misery...but it's hard not to when that is all you know. When everyone else does.

    So I escape into worlds where things have gone horribly wrong and feel that at least I would have some power over my own destiny. I might miss ordering pizza and watching YouTube but...who am I kidding, I really love those things.

    Change is hard, but more people need to realise that we are being kept in a system that is designed to keep us occupied while everything around us is moved into private hands. We consume endless unnecessary junk while the real wealth is kept from us. I'm no conspiracy theorist, I just realise that my inability to buy property is by design. House prices being out of reach for most is by design. It is unlikely to improve.

    What does all this mean, really? It is worth stopping and looking, REALLY looking at the world. Not one with borders that is us vs them, but one where we try and make things work well for all people. We don't want to do well at the expense of others, but alongside others. 

All of that is harder than just singing songs about wishing that there were zombies though.

Maybe instead of shouting nonsense you could whisper inspiration...

So it has been a long time and maybe no-one reads these things anymore. Such is life and the 'progress' that often bothers me so. In an ideal world I would have things stay the same, slowly improving and upgrading until perfection is achieved and then staying there. Of course life is nothing like that utopian ideal and so it has marched on and changed everything again whether I like it or not. Of course perfection is an illusion, there will always be something that could be better or something else you would like to fit into your schedule. I guess life leading you in an agreeable direction, being reasonably happy with how everything is going and filling your time with meaningful things isn't such a bad alternative.

I last posted a year and a half ago and in the interim a surprising (to you and me both!) amount has happened. I have split up with one long-term (for me at least) girlfriend and with what you could describe as a plot twist, gained another. I have started helping out at a local Theatre, mostly with the youth group. This has seen me gain plenty of new skills, a healthy dose of confidence and some new friends. It has taken me to Gibraltar and given me a sense of purpose in life. Working with kids, particularly as a teacher, is my new goal. I've never made things easy for myself and I'm pretty such this will be no exception!
To that end I have also been doing a long-overdue degree, my choice being English Literature (Creative Writing Pathway). This will allow me to become either a teacher or a writer. I have another 4 years to go, but it is going well so far. As if I hadn't got enough to do, I now also help out at both Explorers and Scouts(Explorers are 14-17yo Scouts if you didn't know). Again, I am learning a lot, making new friends and gaining some valuable experience working with kids. It is also good fun and very rewarding.

There is of course the small matter of music, which I still make with my band, Z Stacks. We have lost a member but are still going with much the same shouty, geeky absurdity as ever. I have also joined another band, one who play geeky blues. We aren't the most musically talented, having learnt all our instruments from scratch AFTER joining the band. Sour Crouch and the Xenophobes (it's just a name, we aren't really xenophobes, mostly) aren't family friendly, but it is all good fun!
Oh, I started Salsa dancing too. I mean, why not?

Ah yes, I also left my terrible job. I mean it was making me incredibly unhappy, taking me nowhere and I just couldn't do it anymore. So I left, without anything else to go to. Now I'm not recommending that rather drastic course of action but I can tell you it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have done so much since then that I simply could not have done before, and a whole lot of people have told me how much happier I seem. I now have a temporary office job in London, which is different for sure!

In summary, things happened. I may elaborate on those things in future posts. Feel free to ask questions if you have happened across this. I will endeavour to answer with speed and grace. Alternatively I may write a poem about the chair I am sitting on or just press caps lock and type absurdity in your general direction. I like to keep life interesting. It is always good to be back here, hopefully my stay will be rather more consistent this time. Watch out for more posts, with a higher possibility of humour!

Dan

Well now, it has been a while. A lot of things have happened, and I shall address these in a future post, but for now, hello, my name is Dan, I play in a band. I have a life and stuff, which includes a girlfriend and a job. I love one. If the idea of me being in a band interests you, please go here . I hope this pleases you. If anyone is reading this, good for you, I like you. Unless I don't, in which case, why? In summary, expect more soon. Until the next time... Dan xxxx

The Holy Bible

...you know for a long time i've hated how life has been going for me, I am fully aware I have depression, and that gets me down, but looking past that, even if I was fine, I would still hate it. The fact that I have to cope with depression on top just makes it that much worse. I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough, frequently by the same people that tell me I am, while also being treated like a slave worker in my job, by managers that seem to have forgotten that their actions affect people, and that money and success shouldn't come with a human cost. With my 'friends' as fast as I make an effort, and help them out, offer support, and am generally as nice as it's possible for me to be...they stop making the effort and start complaining about other people. People that they seem to place value in, who aren't treating them right. Hello, i'm over here remember, the guy who WOULD treat you right...never mind. Of course all of this effort and then lack of respect, time, and actual caring back takes it's toll, the lies and all those times i'm ignored get to me, and as fast as I explain how I feel when I feel bad...I make everything worse, and despite the fact I would do anything for these people, they all too readily forget that, and see it as an excuse not to bother. Of course part of this all is that I am pretty much not fit for purpose when it comes to human interaction, social interaction...I basically can't do it. I cannot cope with the sitations that it ALWAYS ends in, all the feelings associated with all that I try and do...I can't cope with. I just feel like I can't do this...i'm stuck in a loop, and as much as I have escapes...It isn't enough. Sure, I could go to the doctor and get pills, but they won't work, i'm too strong willed, for them to work they would be so strong, they would zombify me, and nullify what little outgoing part of me is left. I could go to a counsellor...but again, I am not the sort of person that works for. I know what is happening, i'm not lost in terms of details...I just have this thing in my head that stops me functioning, and very little around me helps with that. I could potentially be ok, in the right enviroment, with the right people, but that will never happen. I am always trying to find the right people, but the problem is always that i'm still me. I can potentially be the best friend you will ever have, i'd lay down my life for you. I can, once I get to know you, be a verry witty, funny, outgoing person, with good ideas, and who can share stuff with you, I have wide tastes...I can do many things, potentially, I WANT TO. But no-one sees through this, to that. No one believes what I know to be true. I have always placed an emphasis on truth and honest. I believe in it, more than anything, and to a fault. It has to be right, I have to be right, I have to be understood...yet all this, that I value so much...is not recognised. That is perhaps the most galling thing of all. The thing I put the most effort into, at the expense of many good things, much happiness. The thing I spend so many hours in darkness to protect, even though I know I shouldn't, that it needn't matter so much...Is essentially meaningless to everyone else. Sure, a few people recognise it, and I am reliable Dan...but am I the one they want to see often, or am I the last call, when everyone else has let them down. If I was the last man on earth, people would want me...i'm not hated. But unless that happened, I just feel like I mean nothing. Overdramatic? maybe a bit. But try living it. If you read this far, and lets face it, only a couple of people ever even look at this place...I care about you. You mean something to me. Isn't it ironic that I feel more alone surrounded by people I know than I do when talking to someone hundreds, even thousands of miles away. Is it cathartic writing this? not really. Is there an answer? not really. I respect religion for the simple reason that I know how it is to feel lost and alone, and I wish I had somthing to hold onto like that. Alas, i'm too logical...being right isn't always fun...in fact, almost never, I find...

How interesting

Look at me, I am blogging from my phone! OUTSTANDING! So what is new with me? Well my band, z stacks is now active, playing live and with some rough demos to its name, with proper recordings to follow, as well as actually putting on our own gigs. We have demos to download for free, so please take a look, take a listen, and enjoy :-) .

Dan
Xxxx

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is a funny thing, you dream of the future, but when you get there you look back at the bast and wish you were still there. Of course things change, and I always wanted them to, for the better...but somethings I just wish would go on forever. I guess that is the point, very few things are a constant in your life, and you have to get used to that, and try and move past that so you enjoy the present and the future.
Yesterday and today I went through my email acounts and deleted all the crap and spam, of which there was a lot, because I never delete my mail. After going through 12,000 messages on one, and 7,000 on the other...I think I might start. However, there was a secondary reason for this, other than needing to, and a third reason also. I was bored, and I quite fancied a trip down memory lane. I found email notifications from when I was a regular on The Barbs (now sadly defunct local band) forum, and also emails from my dear blogging followers, Ginger Doll and Livewire (i'd link them, but since they are pretty much the only people likely to read this, not much point in that!) which really got the nostalgia going.
I always miss regular blogging, but life seems to cloud my mind, and I can't quite make that leap back in. I just rot away on facebook, which is fine for keeping track of stuff and finding amusing things that other people have posted, but it really can suck your life away. I have a couple of weeks off work for my birthday, so I have time to gear my mind up to a blogging return, and...well there is much to tell, but I don't think I can quite do it right now (although maybe I will...).
Basically, I have been in my new job for over a year now, after being made redundant from working in a record/entertainment store, which suited me. I basically enjoy most of the work, it's a department/DIY sort of store, and I work in the Lighting and Gallery (canvases/frames etc) sections, as Supervisor...although it's basically just me. I have freedom to pretty much do what I like, since no-one else has really got all that involved, and management have come and gone, and i'm on my own...everyone basically sees it as mine, and comes to me for anything to do with it, and leaves and changes to me, usually. I like this, although it's a bit lonely working on my own. I also miss being around, and having on...music. Music has been a constant in my life since I was in my early teens, and it never fails to cheer me up, get me going...without that, I suffer somewhat, have nothing to draw strength from. It doesn't help that it is not a great enviroment to work in, with a lot of gossip and backstabbing, as well as arrogant managers who care little for staff morale, and a badly run, money grabbing company...
What also doesn't help is the lack of things happening in my life, nothing much to look forward to. Of course I have my band, The Z Stacks(more on them later) but I do very little else other than work, and sit at home and rot, on facebook, MSN, occasionally doing something creative like writing poetry and lyrics (my word skills have a use at last!). everyone else got lives, I just kept going, unable to quite make a breakthrough with life.
Also, home life isn't great, as ever. My mum and I argue all the time, and at the moment, it looks like one of our cats is on it's way out, which will affect me (just a tiny, tiny, massive bit of understatement). It's something I need to get out of, as with my job. Basically, years of unhappiness has taken it's toll, and i'm teetering on the edge of sanity. My depression has got so bad that pretty much every day at work feels like 1000 years, my body so leaden, that sometimes I just crouch down in a cord=ner, feeling like I should cry, but just...finding some way of carrying on..but I have been so close to walking out for so long...the cracks are staring to show, I have had times at work where I have made clear my feelings, and at the pub the other day, I was standing there, wishing to talk to 2 girls I have known for some time, and certainly one of whom I talk to all the time over the internet, and...I basically was unable to talk...it was like I was trapped, I just couldn't cope with the situation. It was not nice, and I was starting to panic a bit, and only just managed to stop myself from just walking out...which may have been wiser, really. But if I can't go out anymore (oh, by the way I have no ID, and after going there for 6 years, this particular pub/club now ID's me, so I can't even get in, apart from the odd lucky occasion (lucky...) and I cannot afford to get ID for several months, and even then it won't be easy) then my options are further limited, not that I was ever big on going out anyway. Things just never seem to go my way. Things that would improve my life...are always just out of reach, no matter how hard I try, and now...i'm almost beyond trying...i'm pretty stuck in a situation that I can't cope with anymore, and I have coped for so long...pretty much at breaking point.
I have, however, at least made good new friends this year, and although they do bring occasion unhappiness and headache...it's worth it, even if only to know I can still make friends, despite it all. So thats really why I haven't been here, even though being here more would probably help...and I hope if I can be here more, it will help.

That all out of the way...onto my band. The Z Stacks . We formed early last year, after knowing each other for years and talking about it often. The trouble was alway the non-musicality of me and Rob (who needs to get his ass back to blogging) and the reluctantcy to show his talent off of another. Once we decided to do it, I ended up on bass, it being the easiest, and we set off on a bold musical adventure. We have written quite a few songs, varied like we are, and have, if anything, speeded up creatively, largely driven by me writing, and coming up with new ideas now i've gotten used to writing lyrics. I don't write everything, but I at least put ideas out there. We only had 2 guitars, bass and vocals until a couple of months ago (apart from a period with a mate of ours that didn't work out) when we finally got a drummer. We had played a gig at someones leaving do at a function room, and also at Rob's sisters' 18th birthday, but not a proper, public gig as a full band with drums. That gig is happening soon, on the 1st of august.
Quite excited about that, and as much so about writing and recording more songs. We have some very rough demos on the facebook page for your enjoyment, they are but a sample of our musical diversity and awesomeness, more of which will be posted soon. Hopefully our gig will be included, and I would very much like to share this with anyone that wants it (GD and Livewire, looking at you, and S, if he sees this).
I will be back, posting a story, and some poetry and song lyrics soon, but for now, visit the facebook page(no signup required I believe) and listen to our songs, enjoy The Replacements-
Bastards Of Young I linked up top, and take care of yourselves.

Dan
xxxx

The Adventures Of A Tiny Peanut Named Tim

ok. Tim was born out of a forbidden romance between a monkey nut and a pecan, and outcast by his family as an embarassment. He wandered aimlessly for what seemed like years, although may onlly have been minutes,until he found some bar work, as can happen when you are starting out on your own. He was looking forward to his first night of work, not ... See Morereally knowing what he was in for. As he waited for it to get busy he noticed, over in the corner...another peanut, smaller even than he was, cowering, terrified. He rolled on over to the tiny nut and asked what their name was.
The other peanut urned round, and to his surprise...
it was his mother...he was stunned...she used to be so big with her shell, but now she was this tiny frightened nut, looking up at him. She managed to struggle out a weak 'son' before starting to look really frightened. She used what seemed to be the last of her strength to say, very clearly 'i'm so sorry, I love y...' she was cut short by an enormous hand picking her up...and she was gone...tears started streaming from his eyes, he was confused, angry, sad. What could he do now...
his grief and confusion was cut short, when the same hand came reaching for him. In that moment, he knew what he had to do. He closed his eyes and waited...
He awoke in darkness. He was confused, not quite sure what had happened, or where he was. He stumbled around for a while, and his eyesa began to adjust to the dark, until eventually he could see most of his surroundings. He was in some kind of knightmare world, full of pulsating bulges and dripping faecets. Strangely, he felt no fear. In fact, he ... See Morefelt great. He had found a new sense of purpose. He knew what he must do. He would rescue his mother, find out about his past, and then he could face the future knowing who he was. He gurded his loins, such as they were, and set forth on his quest...
He woke again, not knowing where he was. He remembered tripping, and falling...but then nothing.He Looked down at himself to see if he was injured, and to his amazement...
He was human! Fully formed with arms and legs and all the other manbits he had heard about. He stood up, naked and proud, and breathed in deep.
'Put some pants on young man!' he looked round, startled to see another woman, different, but still recognisable...his mother! He suddeny became rather embarrased, and hurredly looked for something to cover... See More up with, finding only a toy sword and a length of string. He sighed, and tied on to the other, making a makeshift modesy device. He walked over to his mother, who had been quiet since her first comment...
She was beginning to breathe deeply when he approached he knelt by where she was propped up, against a nearby wall. As he did so, he became aware of the maggots eating at her arm, then that it was no longer attatched, a bandage covering the stump where it was. He was that she was sitting in blood...a lot of blood. He looked into her eyes, and ... See Morewhispered 'I love you...I forgive you' she smiled, then began coughing, and blood dripping out of her mouth. He held her, realising that she was about to dir, and that he must be strong. She could speak no more, and he held her until her breathing began to slow. He kissed her on the forehead, and she died in his arms...
He didn't cry, he reflected on her final words, 'Put some pants on young man!' and chuckled to himself. He closed her eyes, put her down, and stood up. He considered briefly stealing her clothes, but then realised that he would not be able to undress his just departed mother and leave her naked. He took one last look at her, and set off down the tunnel nearest to her body...
He walked for what seemed like hours, until he suddenly came round a corner, to an opening, bathed in light. He walked through, boldly, certain that this was his destiny. What he saw took his breath away...
He had just entered an enormous underground chamber, the ceiling reaching up hundreds of feet. He was still looking up in wonder when he felt it...a tremor...then another. They continued, getting closer, until, through another, larger opening in the far wall, crawled a fantastical creature, unlike anything he could have imagined...
The best description he could give it was...the devil...as a peanut spider. He didn't know wether to laugh, or clutch his sword, opting to do both. The peanut looked at him for a while, looking intently, as if to gauge him. Then proclaimed: 'I am your destiny, I am your downfall. This is where your life ends' stunned, he undid his sword, half aware... See More that he stood before this peanut beast naked and erect...and realised he had but one purpose...to avenge his mother, and to vanquish the demon of being smaller than all the other peanuts. He took a deep breath, and roared, as he ran at the beast...
He swung into action as soon as he neared the beast, ducking and lunging under it's bloated peanut body, and past it's wiry, twiglet like arms. He swung round as he got behind the beast, and jumped on one of it's legs, gripping tightly. The beast shook with all it's might, and he struggled to hold on, but the beast soon gave up shaking, and ... See Morescuttled towards the nearest wall. He realised he was going to be squashed against the wall, and panicked...what would he do. He gripped tighter and just before they reached the wall, he jumped, thudding to the ground. As he looked up, he saw the spider stagger back...with it's body shell smashed, and it's internal nut exposed. He ignored the pain racking his body and lunged with his sword...
He struck the beast dead centre of it's innnards, and with a final moan he slumped back triumphant...
...then sudenly, he blinked awake, in broad daylight. He was surrounded by people, all staring. He remembered where he was...he had been drinking, in the pub, and he had been dared to strip, when he was accused of being 'small' he had then staggered home drunk and naked, eating peanuts, when he began to choke. He realised he was on his front lawn, ... See Moreand, now sober, was aware that he was still naked, and his mother, his real mother was telling him to put some pants on. He grabbed the outstretched y-fronts from her and put them on, embarrased. He realised he had been saved by her managing to perform the heimlich manouver on him and save him. He apologised to the crowd and rushed inside and up to his room, locking himself in. He realised that he had been, in a was, saved by his mother in his dream-like state, and that all that worry about being small...had been from the pub. But on reflection he realised he had learnt a lot. Not to drink so much and get naked for one...but also...that he really liked how a sword felt in his hand!
THE END!

Let it snow, let it snow...actually could it stop now please

Well, more snow. Getting a bit sick of it now. Makes getting into work more difficult, and...well I don't really go anywhere else so not much else to affect. Although it did affect my band Z Stacks . Our Keys player/drummer could not make it to our gig at an 18th birthday party for one of our members' sisters. This caused a slight problem, but we went ahead anyway, and it went rather well, played for an hour, somehow (we played pretty much all the songs we know)and everyone seemed to enjoy us.

Well I know I have promised a review of the year...but I have had trouble putting it together, it's still coming, don't worry about that.

In the meantime, all my poetry is gathered here if you haven't already seen it dtmthinktank

Well thats all for now, take care out there.

Dan
xxxx

It's beginning to look a lot like bollocks

Ho ho ah, whatever.

Well I hope everyone had a lovely crab mess, I mean Christmas. I have always loved Christmas, but the last few years...it seems to have had it's magic lessened, I think in part because of the aggresive retail world I seem to be in. Shops are more concerned with maximising profits than giving their staff any sort of Christmas cheer. Sure there are Christmas songs, but it's just not the same as it once was. I suppose thats progress eh?

In other news, not that what I just typed was news, it was some words. But in other news, my review of the year, including my albums, films, and games of the year will be coming soon, as will my albums/films/games of the decade. Working that out is becoming...interesting!

I would certainly be interested in seeing lists from other people, always interested in lists :)

Dan
xxxx

Merry Christmas

Ho ho ho everyone, and a merry christmas to you all...both of you :) may all your dreams come true and all your babies be born naked.

Dan
xxxx