You know, life is a funny thing, it ebbs and flows, and despite yourself even your darkest moments provide something to savour, if only with hindsight. You experience life for the most part, and then you look back on it if you're anything like me, occasionally indulging in a nostalgia trip, thinking over your old memories and writings and events you hardly think about anymore. Personally, even though I suppose I am happier, more stable than I have been, no wild emotional swings, despite no real reason to be any happier...I still look back and wish, just for a moment, that I could be there again, that I could re-live those periods of my life that just aren't there any more. Maybe it's because my life is a bit empty on the whole. People say that I have all this stuff, that I can't moan about so much, but it's all devoid of meaning really. It's all hollow, just a comfort thing. I don't trust myself so much to people as to material things, objects that won't fail me, that won't question me or burden me with information that, for me, to me, isn't relevant. I live among these objects, and I am happy with that in many ways, I'm an emotional guy, even small things can really affect me, I hoard because I would be sad if I never saw that certain thing that has no real use or meaning, but reminds me of something that I can think of and find comfort in. But at the same time I long for more, I keep buying things because I find it difficult to invest myself in people, and situations, and my comfort zone is restricted by my ability to reason things out in my brain. Can I say this?...well it would be ok because of this...but you couldn't say that...
I am less shy than I used to be, certainly in many ways. But this is mostly a maturaty that i've developed in my reasoning, and also because i've loosened up a bit. I am still shy though. I find it difficult to approach people. I still have to reason it out, because I don't want to say something wrong, that might make then dislike me or think of me in a bad way, or in any way other than how I intended, and my problem is just that. So I turn to things for comfort. I might cheer up a bit, or find some surrogate joy from a new DVD that would be easier and more assured than taking a chance. Sure it's a lot to do with loving my films and music and games and so on, but at the core it's because it's safe, and deep down I know...or at least feel, that I couldn't cope with the rejection that might happen if I just took a chance.
So in many ways I am happier. I get depressed less, I don't mind so much about going out less than I used to, and i'm more happy with just staying in and playing a game or something like that, at least more so that I used to be. But it's not the same as being around people I like and respect, and care about, and who make me laugh and with whom I have shared some good times. So the nostalgia kicks in, I look back at the 'good times' that we had, and that I experienced without, in some cases, realising that it was a good time. I suppose I could learn from this that things aren't always as bad as you make them out to be, it's all an experience, and it won't last forever, and you should try and enjoy it as much as you can while it's there.
Of course, that doesn't really help me in the present. I have made changes, and, if anything, i'm more happy with how I am than I have been before. I look back at how I was, and wished I had changed sooner, how things could have been different if I had been different. But no matter. I have plans for more change. I have my finances pretty much under control, I am more happy with how I look than I used to be, although not totally happy, not even close, and not in a paranoid way, my skin needs work, although I am working on that, and I would so love to get rid of the gap in my teeth and whiten them. I'm not big on plastic surgery, but that would mean a lot to me, no matter what anyone says. I do sometimes get the old freddy mercury thing of covering my mouth when laughing, or avoiding it altogether. Not often, granted, but I would be so much more confident if I could get that done.
Now I started talking about how I basically lean on materialism to cover depression, and how it still happens even if depression is not the problem it once was. Well I am getting better with that. I buy less, and I am buying more varied and useful things. I have taken up miniatures gaming, and I love doing it, no matter what anyone says about it being geeky or whatever. I also bought some picyures, some art, for my room. Little changes, but enough to affect me. Little things snowball into bigger things, because even the biggest things have to start somewhere.
Moving onto my job...well I hate some of the people I work with but I am quite sad about how I don't care for it all like I used to. This is entirely down to being messed around by the business and the people that think they have all the answers, even though they are blind to the questions, and the important things, not to them, but to those below them. I am going to be leaving after christmas, after over 4 and a half years there, which, for me is a long tome considering I've only been working for six years. Even typing that seems strange, because it seems like an eternity, but again, nostalgia creeps in.
I suppose I am typing mainly to just put down what I feel, which is the main point of a blog I know, but particularly in this instance just to think about it, and give it over to anyone who may find it of interest to them. I miss a lot of things, always with the nostalgia, but certainly one thing I miss is the regular blogging. So many of my comrades have fallen off the blogging landscape, grown out of it in some cases, or just moved on to something else, but I can still indulge my nostalgia in some small way by posting this as a sort of love letter to all those little memories that loom larger as the years go by, that remind you of times past. Sure you can't get them back, but I find that I can at least take some comfort in remembering. Of course I am also starting to look forwards, and in a way looking back helps fit some of the pieces together and helps things make sense. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I suppose it just gives me a reason to rally my confidence, to seek some more good times, to live a bit more than I am at the moment. Maybe i'm rambling now, but at least there is some clarity in my mind at least.
Furthermore, I am now determined, more than ever to go back to full time blogging, and I know I have said that before, but this time I really do mean it. Maybe I shall rant, maybe spout nonsense, or poetry, or maybe just talk about the latest music,movies and games. But Getting my thoughts out there is important again, and amen to that.
Dan
xxxx
